Choices… life experiences… Lois stories

As I am walking this journey through life, which is now beginning to change due to the my health condition worsening, I have been able to talk with not only my friends, but with other people I am meeting along the way. My closest friends and I have talked about how I am feeling and why I chose the path I have taken as it’s been happening. They know that how I am walking the path towards dying is the same as I have walked while I have been alive.  I read something about 25 years ago, it said: Live each day as if it’s your last, one of these days you are going to be right.

I have been asked recently by many people how can I be so peaceful and calm about dying, they say they don’t know if they would handle it the same way.  I don’t know the answer for others. I only know it for me.

We all have choices to some extent.  I can choose to be a victim or hero in my life story.  When I was much younger, I felt like a victim for things that happened to me.  About 25 years ago, I changed my life and started at looking at things differently. A wonderful lady named Lois crossed paths with mine and she changed my life. She had a great laugh. Lois was confined to bed the last 7 years of her life. She was about 71 when I met her and she had 1/3 of a lung, was on oxygen, and confined to bed. If she laid really still she could breathe most of the time. We would spend hours talking either in person or on the phone and when she ran out of air she stopped talking.  When I would tell her something I was going through, that I perceived to be a large problem, she would at first laugh and then tell me to stand up, take 2 steps, and say thank you God that I could walk, talk, and breathe at the same time. She was unable to do that.  Hard to be in self pity in that circumstance.  Lois taught me to be grateful no matter what was happening in my life.  An attitude of gratitude always works for me.  I can always find someone worse off than me.  I’ve learned self pity doesn’t do me or anyone else any good.  What I put out into the Universe comes back to me, so I choose to live my life in a positive way.

Here is a picture of Lois and I shortly before she died.

I will tell also you that in 2010, when I had 4 surgeries that were not very successful and the pain and complications were at the time very painful, both physically and emotionally, I prayed that God would let me die. It was a very challenging time. God said that I had to stick around a while longer, it wasn’t my time yet.  I decided that since I was going to be around a while I would reevaluate my life and decide what’s really important.  I decided that it was time to go have fun, not sit behind a desk any longer.  I didn’t want to wait another 18 months till I was 62 and could retire. I didn’t want to get to age 62 and find out that I wasn’t able to live my dream and travel.  I felt I would rather get to age 62 and say I can’t do it anymore, but I did it. Or, get to that age and I could do it some more.  Hindsight is great, but it cannot be changed. I know how short life can be. I gave a month’s notice at work and began my full time camping expedition. I have no regrets. If God had granted my wish to die, I would have missed the best 2 years of my life.  I got to travel and do so much more than I imagined, and I met lots of people along the way. I almost missed it.  I realize that now as I’ve looked back.  I took charge of my life, and lived it to the fullest I could.  I have no unresolved issues or things unsaid to anyone. My spirit is at peace, what a gift.

Many years ago I read a paragraph in a book that over the years has meant so much to me and it has come true so many times.  I want to share it with you. It says something to the effect that others and I are to walk a path of spiritual progress. That if we persist, remarkable things will happen. When we look back, we will find that the things that came to us when we put ourselves in the hands of a Higher Power were far more wonderful than anything we could have imagined. Follow the dictates of a Higher Power and we will find that we will presently live in a new and wonderful world no matter what our present circumstances. To me that means stay in the now, not the future.  There are many times over the years where I would tell myself that today I have food to eat, a car to drive, gas for my car, a safe place to live, friends, etc.

Since I have lived a spiritual path with an attitude of gratitude, and been close to God for so many years, now that I am dying I don’t know any other way to live.  Walking with my head high and dignity, and with an attitude of gratitude, is so ingrained in me that it’s just the normal progression of my life to continue it no matter what is happening in my life. I’m not an angel, or perfect. I’ve had times I told God and my close friends that I didn’t like what was happening, like my operations, etc.  I’ve had really painful times like watching my dad and other people I love die slowly over weeks and weeks, I’ve also had so many joys and wonderful experiences. It’s called life.  It happens to all of us.  We can’t control what happens to us, only how we handle it.  I saw a poster a while ago, it says we can’t change the direction of the wind, but we can adjust the direction of our sails.

Having close friends to confide in and talk with has been so important to me, and also to them. We talk honestly about what is really happening in our lives. We can talk about feelings, even when they are painful to hear. I know it’s not been easy on my friends and family to know what is happening to me. We have talked about it, shed tears, and also had laughs.  No matter what, we will always be a part of each other in some way on the journey through life if our paths have crossed. I have tried to live my life in a way that when I’m gone my legacy would be that my life made a positive difference.